It happened at church a few months ago. One of the dads walked up to my 12-year-old after the service and said, “Hey, I saw you help that little kid find his family during the chaos after service. That was really kind of you.” My son looked at his shoes, mumbled something that may or may not have been English, and practically evaporated into the carpet. On the drive home, I brought it up gently — and he said, “Mom, I didn’t know what to say. It felt weird.”
I sat with that conversation for days. Because honestly? I get it. There’s something deeply uncomfortable about being seen for something good. And yet, knowing how to receive a compliment graciously — and give one genuinely — is one of those quiet life skills that nobody really teaches our kids. We coach them on handshakes and eye contact. We remind them to say please and thank you. But we rarely sit down and talk about what it means to actually build someone up with your words — or to receive encouragement without deflecting, shutting down, or going over the top in the other direction.
This is something I’ve been working on intentionally with all four of my boys over the past couple of years. And what I’ve found is that this little piece of character development touches so much more than just politeness. It connects to their self-worth, their empathy, their friendships, and even their faith. So let’s talk about it.
Why This Matters More Than You Might Think
Compliments and encouragement are the currency of healthy relationships. When someone speaks life into your child and he doesn’t know how to receive it, that connection gets short-circuited. And when your son doesn’t know how to genuinely encourage others, he misses out on one of the most powerful ways to strengthen friendships, serve people, and reflect genuine character.
Research from the American Psychological Association on social connection consistently shows that positive relational interactions — including giving and receiving affirmation — contribute meaningfully to mental health and sense of belonging. For boys especially, who are often socialized away from verbal affirmation, learning to participate in this kind of exchange authentically is genuinely countercultural. And worth the effort.
I’ve watched my 15-year-old go from someone who could barely look at an adult who praised him to someone who can now say a calm, genuine “thank you, that means a lot” without it being a big production. That shift didn’t happen by accident — it happened because we talked about it, practiced it, and made it a value in our family. Here’s what that looked like for us.
Understanding Why Boys Struggle with Compliments
Before we can help our sons with this, it helps to understand what’s actually happening when they squirm, deflect, or go silent. There are usually a few things at play:
- They don’t feel worthy of the praise. For boys who struggle with confidence or perfectionism, a compliment can actually trigger discomfort because it conflicts with how they see themselves.
- They don’t know what to do with big feelings. Being seen and affirmed can bring up genuine emotion — and if they haven’t learned to sit with that, avoidance feels easier.
- They’ve learned that modesty means rejection. Somewhere along the way, a lot of boys pick up the idea that accepting a compliment graciously is the same thing as being arrogant.
- Nobody modeled it for them. This is a big one. If the adults in their lives also deflect compliments or give them awkwardly, kids absorb that as the norm.
My 10-year-old falls into that last category. He once watched me respond to a friend saying my meal was incredible by launching into a five-minute explanation of everything I did wrong with it. He looked at me afterward and said, “Why didn’t you just say thank you?” Out of the mouths of babes. He was right. I had to start here, with myself.
Modeling It First — Always
Our boys are watching everything. If my husband and I can’t receive a compliment without brushing it off or over-explaining, our sons will follow that lead. So the first work is our own.
We started being intentional about what compliment-giving and receiving looks like in our home. When my husband compliments me in front of the boys, I respond warmly and simply. When I tell one of my sons I’m proud of something he did, I mean it specifically — not “good job” but “I noticed how patient you were with your brother when he kept interrupting you, and I want you to know that took real self-control.” That kind of specific, genuine affirmation is something the American Academy of Pediatrics has long emphasized in the context of building children’s emotional confidence and sense of self.
And when our boys compliment each other — which doesn’t always come naturally when you’ve got four kids who spend every waking hour together — we notice it and quietly affirm it. We don’t make a huge deal out of it, but we let them know it was seen.
Teaching the Simple, Genuine Response
This sounds almost too simple, but we actually practiced it. Not in a awkward, scripted way — more like the way we’d practice any other social skill. I told my boys: when someone says something kind about you, your job is to do two things — look at them and say something genuine back. That’s it.
The “something genuine” doesn’t have to be elaborate. It can be:
- “Thank you, that really means a lot.”
- “That’s really kind of you to say.”
- “Thanks — I worked hard on that, so that’s good to hear.”
- “I appreciate you saying that.”
What it should not be is immediate deflection (“Oh it was nothing”), fishing for more (“Really? You think so?”), or shutting down entirely. We talked about why those responses — even though they feel more comfortable — actually disconnect us from the person who just tried to reach toward us.
My 6-year-old actually took to this fastest. There’s something beautiful about teaching this when they’re young, before the awkwardness of adolescence kicks in. He will now look a grown-up in the eye and say “Thank you, I worked really hard on that!” with total confidence. I want to bottle that and hand it to my teenager.
Helping Them Give Compliments That Actually Land
The giving side is equally important — maybe more so for boys who are trying to figure out how to build friendships and treat people well. We’ve talked a lot in our home about the difference between a throwaway compliment and one that actually means something.
A throwaway compliment is “Cool shirt.” It’s fine. Nothing wrong with it. But it doesn’t build a relationship and it doesn’t require the giver to actually notice anything real about the other person.
A real compliment is specific and timely. It says something like, “I noticed you didn’t quit when everyone else did during that drill at practice — that was impressive.” Or, “You explained that to your brother like four times and you never got frustrated. That’s not easy.”
The specificity matters because it tells the other person: I actually saw you. That’s the gift. Not just the kind words, but the evidence that someone was paying attention. We’ve talked with our boys about this as a spiritual practice too — noticing the good in others reflects something true about who God made them to be. It’s one of those places where faith and character intersect naturally, without feeling forced.
If you’re working on emotional development with your boys more broadly, you might also find it helpful to read our post on helping boys develop a healthy relationship with their own emotions, because so much of this connects — receiving affirmation is emotional work, and boys who can’t feel their feelings will struggle here too.
What to Do When It Goes Sideways
Because sometimes it does. My 12-year-old once responded to a genuine compliment from a coach by saying “Whatever” and walking away. Not out of rudeness, but pure overwhelm. And we had to address it — not harshly, but directly.
The conversation afterward wasn’t a lecture. It was me sitting beside him and asking, “What happened there? What were you feeling?” He said he felt embarrassed and like everyone was looking at him. We talked about how that discomfort is real, but the other person didn’t deserve to feel rejected just because he was uncomfortable. And then we talked about what he could do differently next time — not to perform politeness, but to honor the person who tried to see him well.
These after-the-fact conversations are where a lot of the real growth happens. Not in the moment when everything is heightened, but in the calm afterward when they can think clearly. I’ve learned to save the processing for later, and it makes a huge difference.
Making Encouragement a Family Culture
One of the most powerful things we’ve done is simply make verbal encouragement part of our daily rhythm. At dinner, we’ll sometimes do a round of “one thing you noticed someone else doing well today.” It feels a little structured at first, but after a while it becomes something the boys actually look forward to — and look for throughout the day. My 10-year-old will sometimes come to dinner saying, “I already know what I’m going to say.”
We’ve also made it a habit that my husband and I verbally encourage our sons in front of each other. There’s something powerful about a child hearing one parent brag quietly to the other about something he did — not in an over-the-top way, but genuinely. It plants something in a boy’s heart about his own worth that generic praise doesn’t quite reach.
And we talk about how encouragement is one of the ways we love people well. In our family, that comes right out of our faith — we believe that words have real power, that speaking life into someone is one of the most meaningful things we can do. That’s not something we force into every conversation, but it’s in the background of all of it.
If you’re also working on helping your boys serve others in meaningful ways, our post on raising boys who serve others with genuine generosity goes hand-in-hand with this one — because building others up with your words and building others up with your actions come from the same place of the heart.
The Long Game
I don’t expect my boys to be perfect at this. My 15-year-old still has moments where he deflects or goes quiet when someone tries to affirm him. My 6-year-old still occasionally gets so excited about a compliment that he turns it into a performance. This is not a problem you solve once — it’s a muscle you build over years of small moments, low-stakes conversations, and watching your own habits closely.
But here’s what I keep coming back to: boys who know how to genuinely build others up, and who can receive encouragement with grace, grow into men who make the people around them feel valued. They become husbands, friends, coworkers, and fathers who know how to see people. That’s not a small thing. That is, in so many ways, the whole thing.
So keep talking about it at the dinner table. Keep modeling it in your marriage. Keep noticing the small good things your sons do and saying so — specifically, genuinely, without agenda. The seeds you’re planting right now in these ordinary moments are going to bear fruit for decades. I really believe that. And I hope it encourages you to keep going.
